“I really believe I would have run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon. I would have run in there, and when I saw him, the first thing I would have done is create a diversion. I would have looked for maybe a science geek, you know, a kid with thick glasses and pimples who looks like a loser but who knows, might come up with one of those apps that, you know, chews your food or something, and suddenly he’s unbelievably rich, and I’m wondering why the hell Don Jr. isn’t trying to sell him a coop. I would have said “Quick, kid, run over to the lab and grab a test tube and make an explosion or a stinky gas or something.” But if he started taking too long, I’d look for a hot teacher, like in Van Halen‘s `Hot for Teacher’ video, and I’d get her to flash come cleavage and distract the guy until I could come up and disable him with this Krav Maga technique I learned from this Israeli Special Forces operative who used to be a troubleshooter in my steak business. And then everybody would have said “Hooray for President Trump, he is our hero.’
“But then I would have noticed that a lot of people still looked sad, and I really believe I would have asked why. And they would tell me that the kid who was going to play the lead in the school musical was too upset to go on, and now they had to cancel. So I would have said, `What show?’ And then they would have said `West Side story.’ And I would have said, `I’ll do it.’ And they would have said, `Really? No way!’ And I would have said, `Aw come on–`Boy, Boy, Crazy Boy’? `When You’re a Jet You’re a Jet’? `Hey Officer Krupke, Krup You?’ Take me to my dressing room!”’ In the end, the show would have been fantastic, even though the girl who played Maria tightened up when I guess it hit her that she was singing opposite the President of the United States. I told her, “Listen, sweetheart, I understand completely. Have a seat. I’ll take it from here.’ And so I started doing both parts, Tony and Maria, and I tell you, that was tough, particularly the duets. Tough to harmonize. But the show was great. That’s not just my opinion. You could ask a lot of people. I heard a lot of people say that they’d never seen anything like it.
“Still, at the cast party, I saw a lot of long faces. So I asked this one girl, “Hey what are you into?” Now she was a cute girl, so I expected her to say cheerleading or something, but lo and behold, she says `Model UN.’ I never heard of that, so she starts explaining, and after two minutes I say, `Hey, the hell with that, I can get us into the real UN.” So we all piled onto the plane, and while we flew up, I called Nicki Haley on the phone and I said, “Nicki, sweetie, do me a favor. Go over to McDonald’s — I’m guessing you’re closest to the one on 47th Street, or maybe the one at Third and 50th. Buy out the joint. I’m bringing like 500 people with me, and we’re starving.
“So we get to the UN, and we eat, and Nicki starts showing us around. And it’s Humanitarian this and Hunger that, very interesting, but I guess we’re taking our time, because we get overtaken by this other group.And I noticed this one dude had a Pyeong Chang tote bag. And I thought, “Hey, maybe he knows Ivanka.” So I went over to chat, and suddenly I recognize him. It’s Kim Jon-un! And he reaches into his tote bag and pulls out a rocket launcher. Rocket Man has a rocket launcher! And he points it at me and snarls `Say your prayers, dotard.’ Because that ‘s what he calls me–dotard. I mean, cut me a break. I call him Rocket Man, and he calls me dotard? It means “an old person, especially one who has become weak or senile.” Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think an insult is very effective if you have to look it up in a dictionary. Anyway, while he’s telling me to say my prayers, I give the high sign to this hot UN interpreter that it’s time to flash a little cleavage, which provides just enough of an opening for me to pounce. And even though I still don’t have a weapon, I render him unconscious with the Vulcan Death Grip I learned from watching Star Trek. And he collapses, and everybody starts clapping and cheering. But not so fast–I’m still not celebrating, because I notice something funny on Rocket Man’s neck. And I reach down and start pulling it. It turns out to be a mask, and underneath, he’s really Crooked Hillary! And everybody starts cheering all over again, and Robert Mueller comes up and says, “Wow, there’s the real collusion. How did I miss that?” And all my generals huddle in a corner and come back and say “For saving the world, we are making you an honorary general, and will have a big parade, and you can watch it, or march in it, or both, whatever you decide.” And now the cheering gets so loud I can hardly hear a thing, and suddenly, I’m standing next to Kate Winslet, who I grab around the wait and hoist above my head. “Say it,” she says. “Say `I’m king of the world.’ So I did.”
“And I think most people in this room would have done that too.”