Having foresworn discussing the sad spectacle of a diseased man (Charlie Sheen) imploding, I am now also foreswearing, following this post, participation in the current Donald Trump Naked Self-Promotion Campaign. This effort involves promoting the ratings of his cheesy TV show by pretending that he has an interest in running for the presidency, and, as an adjunct to that, by aligning himself with the birthers who suspect that President Obama was not born in the United States. As we have said before, it is impossible to believe that Trump could win the Republican nomination based on his lifestyle, and even less easy to believe that he would expose his finances, deal-making history, and famous germophobia to the campaign trail. Nonetheless, every day he seems to suck normally skeptical journalists into supplying him with the coverage he seeks, if only by denouncing him. Recently Gail Collins of the Times succumbed, and Trump pounced, writing an insulting letter about her (`I have great respect for Ms. Collins in that she has survived so long with so little talent. Her storytelling ability and word usage (coming from me, who has written many bestsellers), is not at a very high level.) Lately, the eminent entertainer Bill Cosby criticized Trump (“You run, or shut up…but the only thing he’s running is his mouth.”); the Combover King must have been thrilled to have won the notice of a genuine icon.
Now comes word, not at all surprising, that on the final episode of Celebrity Apprentice, Trump will announce, not whether he is going to run for president, but when he will announce his presidential plans. Of course. He will wring as much attention from the scam as he can.
At least he has notified journalists of the next time anyone has to pay attention to him; hopefully we will spend the next weeks in a Trump-free zone. In hopes that this is true, here are my final predictions.
1.) He will not run.
2.) He will not stop feigning an interest in running until the very moment he has to make some kind of legal commitment that will entail exposure of his finances, or that will cost him television time under the FCC Fair Access rule.
3.) He will not spend any real money. He might visit Iowa or someplace, but he will not hire staff.
4.) When he withdraws, he will blame something like the economy or the Chinese for his decision, but will not cite his inelectability.
5.) Finally-and here’s the big one–he will retract this birther nonsense, Basically, he won’t want to be scraping this shit off the bottom of his shoe for the rest of his life, so he will claim to have made an open-minded investigation of the birther claims, and will proudly put his imprimatur on Obama’s citizenship. He will move from skeptic to validator.