In honor of Newt Gingrich’s ascension to front-running status in the Republican presidential contest, I am going into the vaults and resurrecting a nugget from the archives, a solid gold Jamie Malanowski rarity. Here, from early 1996, is the never-before-been-published The Short Happy Life of the Republican Revolution: A Libretto of a Musical in Search of a Composer. Enjoy!
THE SHORT HAPPY LIFE OF THE REPUBLICAN REVOLUTION
By Jamie Malanowski
The curtain opens in the Capitol Building, on the floor of the House of Representatives on the morning of January 3, 1995. The floor is empty—deserted. But suddenly the orchestra breaks into the overture, the doors fly open, and from stage left, right, center and even from the rear of the theater, 229 singing, dancing Republican congressmen enter the chamber. Three of them—-DICK ARMEY, JOHN KASICH and TOM DELAY—move to center stage and begin to sing:
ARMEY
Today’s the day that we have always dreamed of
KASICH
The day our side finally gets a chance!
DELAY
Goodbye to all the tired Democrats
ALL THREE
Hello, Republicans!
ALL CONGRESSMEN:
Goodbye godless liberal Democrats
Hello, hello, hello Republicans!
ARMEY
In both Houses of the Congress
DELAY
We have won majorities!
KASICH
Bill Clinton may still sit in the White House
ALL THREE
But we intend to do just as we please
ALL CONGRESSMEN
Slick Willie still sits in the Oval Office
But we will do just as we please!
ARMEY
And now we’re pleased to present
DELAY
The man who, beyond dispute,
KASICH
Led us to this smashing victory
ALL THREE
Our genius, our leader, our Speaker—Our Newt!
Enter the boyishly handsome Speaker of the House NEWT GINGRICH, who addresses his troops.
GINGRICH:
When I see you here before me
It fills my heart with pride
Truly the sun that dawned this morning
Rose on America’s right side
Here and now we launch our revolution
We shall wage a culture war
We must stop the leftward drifting
Being pushed by Clinton-Gore
We’ll change some things
Then change some more
For the next one hundred days we’ll be working
To fulfill the terms of our Contract
We’ll pass a truly balanced budget
We’ll slash the income tax.
We’ll put an end to eco-regulation
That puts a crimp in business growth
We will also banish welfare
No more subsidies for sloth
And with the Christian Coalition’s blessings
God will join us on these votes
We’ll save some buildings
We like them just the way they are
We might give them different uses
AT EPA we’ll park our cars.
Let’s give all the poor kids lap tops
I’ve got a million thoughts like that
I’m aiming to renew America
Or at least destroy the Democrats
ALL
Count on us to renew this nation
And destroy the Democrats
Meanwhile, over at White House, the boyishly handsome president of the United States, BILL CLINTON, is in a somber, reflective mood.
CLINTON
One term, and then it’s over
A washout, like Cater, Bush and Ford
No accomplishments to put my name on
No legacy that will endure
I came in with big intentions
Thought I could really do a lot
Then Hillary took over health care
I’ve accomplished less than squat
Still. . .
Still. .
Still maybe there’s a way around this
Governing is harder than they think
Newt’s troops are held together
With a chain of fragile links
Next to moderates from New England
He’s got nuts from Idaho
Right now he’s got the lid on
I’d like to be there when it blows
I’ve just got to hold on ‘til it blows
Back at the Capitol, in another big Act One production number, the Republicans work frantically to pass the Contract with America within the promised one hundred days. With the House in session, Majority Leader DICK ARMEY takes the floor
ARMEY
It’s my aim, I’ll say it plain
So no one is surprised
This government is humongeous
It needs to be downsized
There’s agencies and interest groups
That keep bureaucracies afloat—
Well we won’t stop ‘til they close up shop
All we gotta do is
ALL CONGRESSMEN
Vote! Vote! Vote!
We’re gonna vote a lot today
Vote! Vote! Vote!
Just got rid of the NEA
We’ll cut tax and limit terms
Do it all before we adjourn
Get it done within a hundred days
Now Budget Committee chairman JOHN KASICH steps up.
KASICH
A balanced budget is my object
Looming deficits a threat
Americans love getting hand-outs
We’re piling up the debt
Higher taxes on the richies ain’t the answer
It’s just not easy saying so
But we won’t quit ‘til we balance it
All we gotta do is
ALL CONGRESSMEN
Vote! Vote! Vote!
Let’s start voting ‘round the clock
Vote! Vote! Vote!
Just ship the grants out in a block!
Now if we don’t get results
It’ll be the Senate’s fault
Cause we’ll pass it all within a hundred days
A freshman Congressmen is recognized.
ARMEY
Who’s that speaking?
KASICH
Gee, I don’t know
DELAY
That hair! That voice!
ALL THREE
SONNY BONO!
BONO
They say we’re young and we don’t know
Our inexperience will bring us woe
That may be true, we don’t have a lot
But at least I’m sure of the most important thing we got
We got Newt, Babes
We got Newt.
Majority whip TOM DELAY takes the floor, as the calendar wanes.
DELAY
Environmentalists are on the rampage
They’ve had everything their way
I like flowers, I like trees
I’m just not loopy like the EPA
All their niggling regulations
I’d rather kill bugs than business growth—
But we won’t withdraw until we change it all
All we gotta do is
ALL CONGRESSMEN
Vote! Vote! Vote!
Ain’t nothin’ gonna stop us now!
Vote! Vote! Vote!
Let’s make Dave Bonior howl!
He’s gonna claim that Newt’s corrupt
But his lies won’t be enough
We just saved the world in a hundred days
The gavel comes down as the last page of the calendar slips away, and a victorious NEWT GINGRICH addresses his troops
GINGRICH
One hundred days
Are now behind us
The future
Lies ahead
The GOP
Stands in triumph
The Democrats
Are stone-cold dead
When posterity
Thinks about us
Here’s the image
That they’ll see
One party that favored
Strength and Freedom
Growth, Reform and Prosperity
One party with pride and vision
That was pro-work, pro-child
And pro-family
Pro-dreams, pro-rights and pro-goodness
Pro-work and morality
Then they’ll see
Another party
One pathetic, radical
And sick
Self-serving, sensationalist
And shallow
Full of permissive
Hypocrites
A party that reveled
In collapse and crisis
Weakness, incompetence and doubt
For all time
We’ll be honored
Because we’re the ones
Who threw them out
Yes, we are the hope
Of tomorrow
While they
Decay and drift
Oh we’ll empower
America
While they produce
More Susan Smiths
I’m so proud
To be your leader
A world historical figure
Like Robert the Bruce
Don’t be worried
If I visit New Hampshire
I’ll just be there
To look at moose
My sole objective
Will be to spot at moose
Not even thinking about the presidency
Just want to look at moose.
But the frantic pace of change has made voters uneasy. While Gingrich celebrates, a Clinton ally, the political consultant DICK MORRIS talks to JOHN and MARY, two typical Americans.
JOHN
Last November
We were angry
The White House
Had fallen apart
MARY
But now it seems
Newt is going to extremes
BOTH
We’re worried that these guys might go too far.
MARY
We think the budget
Should be balanced
We can’t run deficits like we are
JOHN
But now Newt’s said he wants to
Eliminate Cookie Monster
Why do these people want to go so far?
JOHN
Our whole family’s
Heterosexual
Except for possibly Aunt Marge
MARY
But it really is a drag
When Dick Armey says `Barney Fag’
I’m afraid these men are going way too far.
MARY
Yes we need to
Cap entitlements
The cost of Medicare
Is climbing to the stars
JOHN
But their plans might mean that we’re
Gonna have your mother living here
I’m sorry but these guys are going to far
JOHN
Gordon Liddy
Says `Head shots! Head shots!’
MARY
Jesse Helms says Clinton
Shouldn’t go south without a guard
JOHN
And now down in Oklahoma
We see the work done by a bomber
MARY
I’m sorry, but these nuts have gone too far
BOTH
It’s scary, but these nuts have gone too far.
Newt’s revolution has begun to stall, but Clinton still isn’t sure how to exploit the opening. DICK MORRIS shows CLINTON the way.
CLINTON
Tell me, Dick, you’re such a clever schemer—what should I do?
MORRIS
You’ve. . .
Got. . .
To. . .
Triangulate
Your positions
Don’t accept the either-or
Throwing people off of welfare
Doesn’t mean you’ve hurt the poor
Just triangulate
Your thinking
Give yourself some room to swerve
You can favor gays being in the army
But you don’t have to let them serve
Forthright stands
Are so old-fashioned
Years ago, they brought success
Now forthright stands
Just hurt your ratings
You need to float above the mess
So triangulate
Your presidency
Look at means instead of ends
Make yourself
More like your enemies
You’ll find yourself with lots more friends
Clinton takes the advice, and his approval ratings improve. Feeling once again like the Comeback Kid, Clinton starts planning his reelection campaign. At a meeting with ICKES, PANETTA, STEPHANOPOULOS and other Clinton advisors, MORRIS makes an unprecedented suggestion: start advertising on TV a whole year ahead of the election.
MORRIS
I have a thought that might sound crazy
But I assure you, I’m not nuts
Lets run TV ads around the country
So we can get our numbers up
The ads will get undecided moving
And boost your supports’ fealty
Best of all, this will give you
The first fully advertised administration
In U.S. history.
ICKES
Morris, you are such a moron
Those ads won’t do us any good
STEPAHNOPOULOS
Voters won’t remember that we ran them
As if we ever could
PANETTA
Hell, they’ll cost us tens of millions
And we can spend just a limited amount
ICKES
We’ll have nothing left for when we need it
And we’ll be beaten in a rout
MORRIS
Well, the way you do it
Is through the DNC
They could buys ads, say, for party building,
It would be like we got them all for free
As for your point about how to fund it
We could do it all with soft money
You’d have to raise it, but it would be worth it
To have the first fully advertised administration
In U.S. history.
CLINTON
By George, boys, I think he’s got it!
Soft money’s well in reach
We’ll hold coffees and other functions
Charge fat cats fifty thousand each
Special donors can be my guest here!
Sleep overnight in Lincoln’s room
Call John Huang and Charlie Trie up
How much can the Riady family do?
Oh man, I love this program
It’s time we got up off the mat
Send Al to meet some Buddhists
Get him to pass the hat
I want these ads to play all over
From Seattle to Miami
Let’s see what Gingrich does to counter
The first fully advertised administration
In U.S. history.
The advertising program begins, and as budget negotiations get underway, Clinton’s approval ratings improve. This puts more pressure on GINGRICH, and when he is the recipient of a rebuff on Air Force One, he cracks.
GINGRICH
The back door!
The back door!
They made me leave
By the back door!
They thought the Speaker of the House
Would be meeker than a mouse
And shuffle off without a cough
Through the back door.
Flew all the way across to Rabin’s funeral
Thought I’d be meeting Clinton head-to-head
Find a way to break the budget impasse
He spent the whole time playing hearts instead
Then I went
Out the back door!
Pushed me and Dole
Out the back door!
I thought it might be fun
To jet around on Air Force One
But then they made creep without a peep
Out the back door.
Now Clinton takes a former stand in the negotiations, Soon the president’s affability, sincerity and elusiveness begin to wear GINGRICH down, as we see in this ballad.
GINGRICH
He’s a big spending liberal
The kind I battled all my life
All he wants is costly programs
And don’t get me started on his wife.
And yet there’s something warm about him
The way he bites his lip is so sincere
I‘m touched when he discusses OMB numbers
And from his eye there falls a tear
And that’s when I start disintegrating
And cutting deals that never should be dealt
I don’t know, there’s something about him
When I’m with him in the Oval, I just melt
Finally, in December, after one government shutdown, the Republicans threaten an encore if Clinton doesn’t swallow their budget. The showdown has arrived.
GINGRICH
You don’t realize
That we’re serious
The public wants changes in this town
If you veto
These appropriations
We’ll shut the government down!
GOP FRESHMEN
Shut it down! Shut it down!
If we can’t have our way
We’ll shut it down!
CLINTON
So shut it down
You’ll see who suffers
When there’s no government around
You’ll be the Gingrich
Who stole Christmas
They’ll blame you when it closes down
The Speaker tries to persuade the freshman
GINGRICH
His position’s
Non-negotiable
This is the best deal he will make
We won the cutbacks
And the time frame
This is a deal that we should take
GOP FRESHMEN
Not enough!
Lose more entitlements!
We know that Clinton’s got no guts
Now’s not the time to accept half measures
Clinton must accept more cuts!
GINGRICH
Don’t misjudge him
He’s still president
He still holds a lot of cards
GOP FRESHMEN
Newt, you’re wrong here
He can’t take more trouble
He’s got to keep an eye of Kenneth Starr
So shut it down!
Pressed hard by his freshman, Gingrich and the Republicans force another government shutdown. It turns into a political disaster. The Republicans cave, Newt’s ratings slide, and Clinton gains new stature. Just before the final curtain, the two leaders marvel at the amazing reversal of fortune.
GINGRICH
One year, and then it’s over
The revolution’s all but spent
I thought the people wanted changes
They didn’t even want argument
I guess the people thought me nasty
Domineering, arrogant, and shrill
I sought to bring back Ronald Reagan
But instead I brought back Bill
CLINTON
I don’t know how
All this happened
It’s a mystery to me
I gave the GOP
Nearly all they wanted
And that’s what drove them to their knees
My wife has dates
With prosecutors
Jim McDougal
Might drop a dime
Paula Jones
Is out there lurking
And yet my polling
Numbers climb
I guess I must be
A pretty good president
Though how, I don’t think I know
All I’m sure of
Is that I’m not Newt Gingrich
And that is why
They love me so
All I know is that I’m not Newt Gingrich
And that is why they love me so.