FOR THE LOVE OF BALTIMORE

My cousin Stephanie Bauman sent this to me. It’s a kind of a test (an ungraded one) that evaluates if you’re really from Baltimore (or, to be more precise, if you’re really from Baltimore and from a certain era–mostly the 1950s and 1960s.)

You could only buy a Volvo from Michaelson Motors on Reisterstown Rd, the best place to become a Chevrolet ownah was at York and Bellona, Charlie Irish’s Chevrolet, Johnnys on Harford Rd was the “Walking Mans Friend”
I remember Jerry’s Chevrolet at York and Bellona, the best place to become a Chevrolet ownah. I might remember Michaelson Motors, although I may be thinking of Ingrid Michaelson.

Granny Packer was on Blair Road, and “Hey, Hey Fox Chevrolet” was just as annoying then as the car ads these days.
Yes, Al Packer was in our neighborhood. He flew the biggest American flag I’d ever seen. “Hey, Hey Fox Chevrolet” had the stickiest jingle on the radio.

You rode on street cars and buses operated by BTC (Baltimore Transit Company), And remember when their color schemes went from yellow to green to blue.. How about the old “Red Rocket”, (Number 26) which were double cars that ran to Dundalk , Sparrows Point and also Bay Shore Park.
I remember green buses, especially the 15, which ran along Belair Road back and forth to downtown; the 19, which ran along Harford Road; the 44, which ran down Belverdere Avenue and Echodale Avenue; and the 3, which ran along Loch Raven Boulevard.

We had three Roller Coasters in Town, years ago –Carlins Park , Gwynn Oak Park and Bay Shore Park . Did you get to ride on any or all of them?
I got to go to Gwynn Oak before they closed it, but I don’t think I rode the rollercoaster.

You can sing the phone number for Hampden Moving and Storage.
Nope, sorry.

You remember Royal Parker yelling at kids jumping on furniture that was not Covered in plastic . “What’re ya trying to ruin it?”
Nope.

You think being called “Hon” by waitresses, cashiers, bank tellers, and complete strangers is perfectly normal.
As normal as breathing.

You watched local TV shows: Duckpins for Dollars, The Collegians, The Buddy Deane Show, Romper Room, and Hutzler’s Theatre.
All but Hutzler’s Theater. Hutzler’s was one of the big department stores. The Buddy Deane Show was the model for The Corny Collins Show in Hairspray, although I don’t Buddy was as handsome as James Marsden.

You also saw Stu Kerr star as Bozo the Clown and Professor Cool for the kids, then host Dialing for Dollars for the stay-at-home moms, and later fill-in as The weather man (complete with cloud and sun magnets) on the 6 o’clock news.
Indeed. He was very sober-sided on Dialing for Dollars, where you had to know the count and the amount to win, although I no longer remember the count or the amount of what.

We had milk home-delivered by Green Springs, Sealtest, and Cloverland….but somehow Cloverland was the only who claimed to be “the dairy with cows.” Oh yeah, you can probably sing their jingle “If you don’t own a cow call Cloverland now, It’s (North 9-2222)”. Also Wilton Farm Dairy in West Baltimore. Don’t forget to shake the bottle up to mix the cream (which was always on the top of the bottle) in with the milk — or else pour it off separately to have some cream.
We were a Sealtest Family, although sometimes we stopped by High’s. Once we were out of milk, and my mom ran outside and hailed a passing Cloverland truck and bought a quart directly from the delivery man. I was shocked–shocked–by her extemporaneousness.

How about the pretty young Car Hops who served your order at The Varsity and Hobb’s on old Route 40 in West Baltimore . The “Thunderbird” on Eastern Avenue. Great hamburgers and shakes plus a great hang-out to show off your father’s car.
I wish, but that was before my time, and out of my neighborhood.

When somebody gave their phone number prefix such as MULberry- 6 or ATwater-4, you knew right where they were from.
Our phone number was HAmilton 6-2547, but we only lived near Hamilton, not in Hamilton.

You’ve been on Sunday drives through “Droodle” Park, and watched the submarine races at Loch Raven or Lake Montebello. Also take in the flowers and sites at Sherwood Gardens in the Springtime.
Droodle, of course, is Druid Hill. We did not go there much. We had a lot of picnics at Loch Raven, though, which was pretty. We rode by Lake Montebello a million times, passing part of its edge under a large statue of a waving Martin Luther as we headed towards Memorial Stadium or downtown Baltimore.

How about Baltimore’s own Ronnie Dove?
I still have a Ronnie Dove song on my iPod. “My Babe”, written by Neil Diamond.

You can remember what the harbor looked like before it was THE Inner Harbor. Or the smell of McCormick’s spices. Or the oysters at Conneley’s.
I remember the smell of the spices coming from the McCormick’s warehouse very clearly.

You remember when there was home delivery of the Morning Sun, The Evening Sun, The Sunday Sun, The News-Post, and The Sunday American.
In the summer of 1970 I sold subscriptions to the Sunpapers door-to-door. And I was good at it!

You looked forward to Earl Weaver antics over a bad call…… Okay, over any call.
Sure did.

You remember laughing at bawdy jokes and political comments scrawled in white shoe polish on the front window of Turkey Joe’s Bar in Fells Point.
I didn’t know about the shoe polish, but I actually knew Turkey Joe when he was a regular at No Fish Today and I worked as a bus boy upstairs at Seton’s Habit in the summer between high school and college. He nicknamed me Franklin, because he said I looked like a Franklin. I kind of liked that.

Eating at Pollack Johnnie’s, Lexington Market, Attman’s, Bel-Loc Diner, Ciminos, Little Tavern (buy’em by the bag!), White Castle, the G & A, AJ’s Dog House, Horn &Horn, Oriole Cafeteria, Bickford’s, White Coffee Pot, Hot Shoppes, Ameche’s, Gino’s, Read’s, Hooper’s, Silber’s Bakery.
Sure, Ameche’s and Gino’s, and the White Coffee Pot for french fries with gravy. I bought comic books at Read’s.

You’ve seen the governor (and other dignitaries) standing in line, in the rain, outside of Haussners, because they never took reservations.
Never saw the dignitaries, but my family had a couple special occasion-type dinners at Haussner’s. If it was that good, it was wasted on me.

You had plenty of friends who worked at Sparrows Point, and each had an ugly old “point car” to drive to work. Everybody else (it seemed) worked for GM on Broening Hwy. Western Electric, or National Brewery. You remember going to see the fabulous Fire Department Christmas Train Garden at the Fire House. House 28 on Guilford Avenue had a very big display.
My dad worked at Western Electric for 35 years. And yes, I’m sure I saw that Christmas garden at least once.

You remember when Fort Holabird was alive and thriving.
Not clearly.

You love to see the Domino Sugar sign reflecting across the harbor.
Yeah, it’s nice.

You remember seeing the Four Seasons perform at Painters Mill or at Club Venus. You saw the Beatles, The Beach Boys, Dave Clark Five, The Rolling Stones, The Monkees, and Peter, Paul & Mary at the Civic Center. You saw Emerson, Lake, and Palmer at the Lyric. You saw Otis Reading, the Four Tops, and the Temptations at Calvert Hall.
I saw Simon & Garfunkel and Andres Segovia at the Lyric. And although I attended Calvert Hall, I didn’t see these acts.

More Parks sausages Mom, Please!
Bring ’em on!

You remember the rotating restaurant on top of the Holiday Inn on Light Street.
Very sophisticated.

You’ve had the monster “Powerhouse” burger at one of four Ameche’s Drive-ins.
Sure, at Loch Raven Boulevard and Taylor Avenue.

A few years later you could also have a 15-cent burger at Gino Marchetti’s.
Many.

You know B&O is not body odor.
A railroad. Duh!

You remember when the Baltimore Civic Center was home to The Baltimore Bullets, The Baltimore Blast,The Baltimore Clippers, rock concerts, car shows, horse shows, civil-service exams, circuses, ice shows, and graduations.
I saw the Clippers play ice hockey there, and attended the car show where I saw Craig Breedlove, who momentarily set the world land speed record at the Bonneville Salt Flats.

Every kitchen had a can of Old Bay and every Frigidaire a case of Natty Boh.
For sure.

You remember when Baltimore rated a “Playboy Club,” and no, it wasn’t on the Block.
My friend Paul Sorrentino’s father had a photo taken with a bunny there that made a big impression on us 13 year olds.

You and your Mom shopped at Braeger-Gutman’s, Hutzler’s, Stewart’s, Hochschild Kohn (right, on Howard Street), Robert Hall, The May Company, Hecht’s, Peck & Peck, Dacks 5 &10, EJ Korvettes, Two Guys, Cooks, Caldor, Hechingers, and of course …. Shocketts on Broadway or Eastern Avenue.
Some of my best memories involved going shopping downtown with my mom, and her taking me to lunch at Hochschild’s.

You know that an Arabber is really a guy who sells fruit and vegetables from a horse drawn cart.
Doesn’t everybody?

You remember when the city po-leece cars went from black and white, to blue and white, then to all white with red and blue stripes.
Nah.

You know live crabs are at their very meanest right before steaming, and that if one gets you …… he WILL NOT let go!
I left the steaming to my dad.

You always knew where to find Blaze Starr.
The Two O’Clock Club. Is she no longer there?

You remember a very green, but not very Irish, Hyman Pressman marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parades, and Louis L. Goldstien with his immmortal “God bless you all real good” blessing.
Sure. Plus Tommy D’Allesandro Jr., Spiro Agnew, George Mahoney and Donald Schaeffer.

You’ve remember special deli shopping trips to Stone’s Bakery, Jack’s Corned Beef, Weiss Deli, and Attman’s Deli on Lombard St., right in the heart of the high rise projects. (This was called “Jew Town ” and the sandwiches were tremendous.)
Dad preferred the bagels at Levin’s.

You know where to park for the Preakness.
Never went.

You don’t think that Assawoman Bay is a strange name.
But I do.

You were confused for a few years after they swapped one-way directions on Lombard and Pratt Streets.
Nah.

You miss the RCA dog.
Where the hell’s the dog?!?!?

You are an expert crab picker that always volunteers to teach visitors the only (and best) way to pick a steamed crab. Of course everyone else around you will interrupt the lesson to show your new student their best way, and confusion will reign.
I am not the picker that my dad was, or my brother or my sister is, but I will do my best to help a neophyte.

And when you’re outside of Maryland, you can only laugh when you see signs saying “Maryland Crab Cakes!”
I scoff.

You had to pull out the BS sign when Robert Irsay declared that he had to move (steal) the Colts from Baltimore … because the city would not support a team. We didn’t get to be the world’s largest outdoor insane asylum for nothing. The names of Johnny Unitas, Raymond Berry, Bill Pellington, Art Donovan (left), Tom Matte, Jim Parker, Alan Ameche, Gino Marchetti, Jim Mutscheler, Lenny Moore, John Mackey, Big Daddy Lipscomb, Jimmy Orr, Bert Jones, Bobby Boyd, Lydell Mitchell, John Dutton, Mike Barnes, Joe Ehrman and many others are held in reverence to this day.
Indianapolis can have all the success it deserves, but the Colts belong in Baltimore.

Everybody knows what a ‘zink’ and ‘payment’ are, and just how important it is to “warsh them marble stoops.”
Sure.

You yell out “O” during the Star Spangled Banner.
No, but I am amused by those who do.

You say ‘Blare Road’ for Belair Road’.
I never did. No do I, nor did I, say Balmer or Merlin

There was Kirby Scott, Johnny Dark, Jack Edwards on WCAO, Jay Grayson and Galen Fromm on WBAL, Lee Case on WCBM, Mike March, Johnny Walker, and The Flying Dutchman on WFBR, and Joe Buccheri on a variety of Classic Rock stations.
Some of them, sure. Jay Grayson hosted the Harley Show, a jazz show, that came on at night after Oriole games. He used hipster inflections and it seemed very exotic coming through my transistor radio under my pillow, at least for a few moments until I fell asleep

You actually admire someone named Boog.
Damn right!